(The Acropolis. A CHORUS of old MEN enters.)
LEADER (MEN): All right, steady men! Let’s bring in some fuel for a fire! Let’s all sing a burning song!
CHORUS (MEN) (Singing):
Step by step by step we’re coming near.
These torches are a thing to fear.
You can hear the burning, crackling sound of them right now.
One by one by one we’ll get you out,
Of that you should not have a doubt.
We won’t be defeated by this group of angry sows.
Just like when we burned the Spartans out.
We made them yell and scream and shout.
They retreated from their fortress and you’ll flee us too.
Don’t you think you’d like to go away?
Go home and feed your kids today.
If you don’t, you’ll wish you had when you’re a barbeque!
LEADER (MEN): Good going men, keep those fires burning bright. Come on out, women, or we’ll burn the Acropolis down. We’ll smoke you out! We’ll—great Zeus, I’m tired. Don’t we have any backup forces? Oh Nike, Goddess of victory, aid us in our noble cause!
(The LEADER of the WOMEN comes out.)
LEADER (WOMEN): They’re about to burn us to the ground. Get ready to defend yourselves, ladies. Let’s all sing a quenching song.
CHORUS (WOMEN) (Singing):
Don’t come near us with those torches bright,
For we are all prepared to fight.
It won’t be easy to defeat this flock of wily hens,
Nike, help us beat this enemy.
We want to have our victory.
We won’t be dislodged from here by these feeble men.
LEADER (WOMEN): What do you think you’re up to, you old villain! No man of virtue would act as you do.
LEADER (MEN): Here’s an unexpected sight! A swarm of women gathered to defend the gates.
LEADER (WOMEN): Frightened? This is just a fraction of us. Wait till you see how many of us are inside.
LEADER (MEN): Should we be listening to this prattle? Let’s crack our sticks over their backs instead, that will make them see reason.
LEADER (WOMEN): Put down your cups of water, ladies, and get ready to fight.
LEADER (MEN): Let’s give them a couple of whacks on the noses, that will quiet them down.
LEADER (WOMEN): Go ahead, here’s my face, whack all you like, but don’t expect to have your balls when you’re done.
LEADER (MEN): Be quiet or I’ll beat your old bones.
LEADER (WOMEN): If you so much as touch me…
LEADER (MEN): Yes, what are you going to do?
LEADER (WOMEN): I’ll chew through your chest and eat your entrails.
LEADER (MEN): Euripides was right! Women are shameless!
LEADER (WOMEN): Pick up your cups of water again, ladies.
LEADER (MEN): What are you going to do with that water, you damned crazy bitches?
LEADER (WOMEN): What are you going to do with that fire? Burn yourselves to the ground?
LEADER (MEN): No, just you and your friends.
LEADER (WOMEN): Well, our water will put out that fire.
LEADER (MEN): That will put out our fire?
LEADER (WOMEN): Yes, you’ll see.
LEADER (MEN): You’re lucky I don’t just burn you with my torch.
LEADER (WOMEN): Get some soap, because you’re about to have a bath.
LEADER (MEN): How impudent!
LEADER (WOMEN): I’m a free woman and can say what I wish.
LEADER (MEN): Fire, burn her hair off!
(He swipes at her with his torch, but misses.)
LEADER (WOMEN): Water, do your duty!
(She throws the water at his crotch. He bends double, in agony.)
LEADER (MEN): Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!
LEADER (WOMEN): Oh sorry, was it hot?
LEADER (MEN): Hot? Not hot. Dear Zeus, enough!
LEADER (WOMEN): I was just watering you, to help you grow.
LEADER (MEN): I’m freezing cold and my balls are shrinking!
LEADER (WOMEN): Then use your fires to warm them.